Futurama Pornography Story: In Zoid We Trust Chapter 26

Amy stepped onto the
mostly bare tablet on which the column stood, and over which it cast
a long shadow. Theres only one mark on it, she observed,
pointing at the notch with her foot. Shouldnt there be twelve?
They do have twelve hours in a day like we do, right?

Theyre not quite
that sophisticated, said Zoidberg. When the shadow touches the
notch, its time for tea. And after tea, the fight.

Omigosh, said
Amy, measuring the distance between the shadow and the mark with her
toes. Thats onlyfour inches away!

I cant believe
youd approve of such a barbaric ritual, said Hermes.

We Decapods have
been observing this barbaric ritual for more than eighteen
years now, said Zoidberg, and you humans have practiced it as
recently as the year 2000 A.D.

2000 A.D.? said
Hermes incredulously. Where are you getting your information,
mon?

From that
documentary with Russell Crowe, replied the crustacean. You
know the one Im talking about.

Amy excused herself,
and the remaining three wandered into the nearby forest. Zoidberg
idly plucked a mochuka from a tall bush, which alarmed Delta.
You really should stop eating that fruit, John, said the
fembot. The parasites may be enhancing your abilities, but Im
afraid theyre also affecting your mind.

Theres nothing
wrong with my mind, Zoidberg assured her. Im still the same
Great God Kootooloo Ive always been.

While the lobster-gods
back was turned, Hermes looked about warily. No native guards were
visible, only trees and a few huts in the distance. He nodded
furtively toward Delta. Its time, he mouthed.

The pair acted without
hesitation. Delta stretched out her arm, grasping Zoidbergs
throat with her corrugated fingers. While she held him in place,
Hermes withdrew a surgical scalpel from inside his jacket, reared
back his hand, and plunged the blade into Zoidbergs lower back
where he expected a kidney to be located. Im very sorry about
this, he stated.

Zoidberg gave him a
look of disappointment as pain wracked his body. Et tu, Herm?
he groaned. Then Zoidberg falls!

Hermes yanked out the
scalpel, and Delta propped up the victims back as his knees
buckled and gave way. I hope you didnt hit anything vital,
she said, blood from Zoidbergs wound gushing over her metallic
arms.

I spent the last
fifteen minutes studying Decapod anatomy, said Hermes, grabbing
the lobsters two-toed feet. Now lets get him to the ship.

They had only carried
their alien friend a few paces when they heard his voice, clear as a
bell: You can put me down now.

Startled, Hermes
released his grasp on Zoidbergs ankles. Delta, once she had
pushed him into a standing position, saw to her disbelief that there
was no trace of the scalpel wound in the crustaceans back, only
smooth scarlet skin. Fantastic, she muttered.

Zoidberg stepped back,
eyeing his two attackers with contempt. I thought you were my
friends, he said. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown,
indeed.

Dont think this
is over, mon, said Hermes, shaking his fist. We wont stand
by while you turn Leela into a killer. Well stop you any way we
can.

Im afraid I have
to take Hermes side, John, said Delta.

Zoidberg seethed, but
managed to speak rationally. Im a compassionate god, he
told them. A lesser god would reward disloyalty with death, but I
shall content myself with merely banishing you.

No! cried Delta.
You wouldnt!

You may remain among
us long enough to witness the makupitu, Zoidberg continued.
When it ends, Ill perform the ceremony of banishment, and you
will be classified as enemies of the people. As I, the Great God
Kootooloo, have spoken, so shall it be done.

The indignant lobster
trudged away toward the village. Hermes turned to Delta, shook his
head, and remarked, Hes loonier than a Canadian dollar, mon.

The training facility
had two bamboo doors, one leading to the outside, the other to what
the natives called the gimani. This was a large arena with
rough wooden planks for seats, and a sandy field in the center where
tests of strength and cunning took place. Everyone in the village,
and many from neighboring villages, had gathered to brave the
uncomfortable seats and witness the battle between the fiery-haired
goddess Zogax and the undefeated champion, Kupura.

Zoidberg, wearing a
lavish red robe, sat as close to the action as possible, his toes
touching the sand from his front-row seat. It was a spot reserved
for tribal leaders and dignitaries, distinguished from the other
seats only by a small canopy built for shelter from the suns. His
friends Amy, Hermes, and Delta sat together in the highest row, not
wanting to be conspicuous.

Poor Leela, said
Amy. Even if she backs out of the fight, where will that leave
her? Shell have to resist the killing urge for the rest of her
life.

Cant you find a
way to turn the chip in her head back on? Hermes asked the fembot
next to him.

It would require a
long series of special command frequencies, replied Delta.
Compared to the effort involved, cracking Ravens command
protocol is like looking for a dollar store in Pittsburgh.

Zoidberg stood, and all
the villagers fell into a reverential silence. Raising his
gem-encrusted claws, the lobster-god proclaimed, Let the makupitu
begin!

Two doors on the
opposite end of the gimani opened, and the combatants, Leela
and Kupura, strode onto the field. Leela had abandoned Mildreds
blouse and sneakers in favor of a brown tube top and bare feet, while
Kupura, who loomed above her by more than a foot, wore only his
loincloth and shaggy beard. The spectators flew into an excited
panic, most screaming, Kupura! Kupura! while a few sided with
the underdog, crying, Zogax! Zogax!

When they reached the
center of the arena, Kupura stood stiffly and saluted by raising his
arm and pointing his hand at Zoidberg. Zamuki golumph pakata!
he bellowed respectfully.

Leela, uncertain of
Kupuras meaning but desirous to maintain the spirit of the
occasion, made a similar gesture. Raising her hand in the same
manner, she exclaimed, We who are about to die salute you!

The two fighters turned
and faced each other. The audience became quiet again, except for a
few impatient murmurs. Then Zoidberg made a downward sweep with his
claw, accompanied by the utterance, Fight!

Leela and Kupura began
to circle each other. At the top of the arena Amy and Hermes gritted
their teeth, wishing the fight would stop but also morbidly curious
to see the outcome.

I hope his genitals
are as sensitive as a human males, thought Leela. As long as
Kupuras arms were, she would need to execute a flawless flying
kick to safely connect her foot with his groin. She sprang forward,
her right leg stretched out, her left knee straightening
forcefullyso far, so good.

Not so good.
Kupuras hands clamped tightly around her upraised leg, and in no
time at all she was spinning like a ballerina. When her opponent let
go, centrifugal force carried her halfway across the field. She
landed painfully on her shoulder and rolled three times before
stopping.

That was stupid,
she told herself. He had me. He could have easily broken my leg,
but I guess he wants to give the natives their moneys worth.

Kupura paced slowly
towards her, a triumphant grin on his face, as the transfixed crowd
watched.

Rage built up within
Leelas heart, and she welcomed it. Fury, she thought. I
am fury.