Futurama Pornography Story: Wouldnt It Be Ultra-cute If Chapter 1
Wouldnt It Be Nice If
by BumbleBeeTheta
Part One: Fry Knows Best
Heres my plan:
Ill show him what bliss is.
Welcome him with kisses
Cos this is a Mrs. that misses her man.
Hes my Xander and hes awfully swell.
It makes financial sense as well.
Although, he can be-
Ill never tell.
Just stand aside.
Here comes the bride.
Ill be Mrs.
I will be his Mrs.
–
Missus from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Selfless)
Scene: Professors lab.
(Once again, the Professor
has called everyone in to take a gander at the What If machine.P He stands by his worktable where the machine
sits.P Hooked up to the machine is what
looks like a treadmill, except it is glowing bright blue.P Beside the What If machine is a helmet and a
pair of goggles.P The crew stands around
the Professor in a semi-circle; their emotions ranging from bored to uneasy.)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Professor:P Now, Im sure youre wondering why Ive
called you here.
Bender: No.
Professor: (ignoring him)
Ive created a new way to experience the What If machine and I want one of you
to try it.
Leela:P Why dont you try it yourself?
Professor:P And expose myself to harmful radiation?P Oh, my, no.P
Now, Fry, would you mind going first?
Fry: (hesitating) Is it
safe?
Professor:P Of course! (He picks up the helmet and goggles
and hands them to Fry) Now, put these-
Bender:P Whoa, whoa!P
Im supposed to go first!P Me,
loveable old Bender!
Professor:P Im sorry, Bender, but I need someone who
isnt an essential part of the crew.
Fry:P You mean important, right?
Professor: PSure, whatever.P (He motions to the treadmill.) This is my newest invention, the
Realitasy-a-lator.P But hooking this up
to the What If machine and axing a question, its possible to experience the
What If as though you were actually taking part in the fantasy.
Fry:P I wasnt listening.P Whatd you say?
Leela:P He means if you swim in the What If, you can
actually *feel* like youre swimming.
Hermes:P Like if you stapled your finger accidentally
while filin and collatin papers, youd feel pain.
Zoidberg:P Or actually know what eating a full meal
twice a day is like!
Fry:P Ohokay.
(He puts the helmet and
goggles on.)
Fry:P Now, what do I do?
Professor:P Stand on the Realitasy-a-lator and axe a
question in the direction of the microphone, while I try to find the button to
turn it on.
(Fry steps onto the
Realitasy-a-lator and adjusts the helmet as the Professor fumbles around in his
pockets.)
Fry:P Okaymake this count.P Its gotta be something amazing, something
no ones ever felt or thought of beforeI know! (To the machine)P What if Leela and I were marriedagain?
(The Professor hits a
button on a small blue remote, which activates the Realitasy-a-lator.P It begins making a whirring sound.P The crew focuses their attention on the What
If screen.)
Fade in to the second floor
or a prim, neat house.
(Fry stands at the top of
the stairs, wearing a suit and a tie.)
Fry:P Hmclassy.P
I have to make sure the man reflects the suit hes wearing.P I have to walk down these stairs like Im
better than they are.P (He lifts his
foot.)P Thats one small-
(He trips and rolls down
the stairs, landing with a thud in the foyer.)
Fry: Oof!
Leela: (OS) Fry, is that
you?
Fry: (sotto) Thats
Leela!P It worked! (To Leela)
Uhyeahhoney.P I justlost my balance.
(He gets up and walks
through the living room into the kitchen, which mirrors the Cleavers kitchen
in Leave It to Beaver.P Leela stands
at the counter, taking some plates out of the pantry.P She wears a mint green below-the-knees dress that poofs out quite
a bit.)
Leela:P Good morning.P How are you?
Fry:P Eh, a little tired.P Im still feeling sleepy.
(Leela places the plates
down on the counter and turns to him.)
Leela: (slyly, walking
her fingers down his tie) Well, thats understandable.P You didnt get much sleep last night.
Fry: (Equally sly) Sounds
like someone got lucky.
Leela:P You could say that.P Hard to believe Ill have to wait a while to
do that again.
Fry:P What makes you say that?
Leela: Well, last night WAS
our anniversary.
Fry:P So?
(A girl of about five walks
in.P She has Frys orange hair down to
her shoulders and Leelas eye.P Leela
bends down to her eye level.P She is
Jessie.)
Leela:P Good morning, sweetie.
Jessie:P Morning, Mommy.P What day is it?
Leela:P Its February 10th.
(Jessie counts on her
fingers for a moment.)
Jessie:P That meansnine months til my birthday!
Leela:P Thats right, Jessie.P Why dont you get your brother up?
Jessie:P Okay!
(She hugs Leela and then
Fry.)
Jessie:P Morning, Daddy!P Bye, Daddy!
(She runs out of the room.)
Fry:P Her birthdays just a coincidence, right?
(Leela furrows her brow.)
Leela:P Thats a silly question to ask, isnt it?
(She picks up a piece of paper from the counter and hands it to him.)P Now, these are some of the things well need
for Tylers birthday in October.P I know
its early, but I just want to make sure we dont-
(Fry is now counting on his
hands.)
Leela:P What are you doing?
Fry: (uneasy) Jessies
birthday is in October, right?
Leela:P Yes, Fry.P
Are you feeling all right?P (She
hands him some utensils.)P Put these on
the table, will you?
(He follows Leela into the
dining room, where they set the table.P
Jessie walks in followed by Tyler.P
Ty is eight with purple hair in the same style as Frys and two
eyes.P The camera focuses on them and
Leela.)
Jessie:P Mommy, how come Tyler and I have the same
birthday?
Ty:P Dont they teach you anything about the
birds and the bees at school?
Leela:P Tyler, shes just a little girl.
(Leela turns around to see
Fry sitting at the table hyperventilating.)
Jessie: Is Daddy okay?
Leela:P He doesnt look so good.P Ill have to get the cure-all.
(She leaves and returns a
moment later with a bowl on vanilla ice cream and some chocolate syrup.P She places the bowl in front of Fry, who
weakly reaches for a spoon.P Leela
lathers on the chocolate syrup, getting some on her finger in the process.)
Leela:P Whoops.
(Fry looks intently at her
as she licks it off her finger as seductively as a 50s housewife can.P He starts to bawl, his head lowered to the
table.P Jessie and Ty look on,
concerned, and Jessie appears as if shes going to start crying too.)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Leela:P Ty, why dont you and your sister eat
breakfast in the kitchen?
Ty:P Yes, Mom.
(He leads Jessie into the
kitchen.P Leela takes Frys hand and
tries to lift his chin.)
Leela:P Im worried.P Is it something I did?P I
know I forgot to vacuum the other day, but I didnt think-
(Fry shakes his head.P He takes a deep breath.)
Fry:P Its okay.P
Ijust didnt get enough sleep.
(He starts crying again.)
Leela:P Oh, sweetie, eat your ice cream before it
melts.P Youll feel better, I promise.
(Fry nods and takes a
painful bite of the ice cream.)
Leela:P I better re-check to make sure the kids
lunches are nutritionally sound.
(She kisses his forehead
before exiting.)
Scene:P The foyer.
(Leela sends the kids out
the door to school as Fry stands behind her.)
Leela:P Now, Jessie, what do you say if the kids
tease you again?
Jessie:P Ummy mom can kick your butt?
Leela:P Very good.
(She kisses Jessie on the
cheek.)
Jessie:P Bye, Mommy!
(She runs out the
door.P Leela turns to Fry and smiles.)
Leela:P Now, remember, youre going to have to help
the Professor look at potential delivery boys soon, so try to get all your
other work out of the way.
Fry:P What?P
Why?
Leela: (rolls her eye)
Because you just got that promotion, silly.P
Im so proud of you.
(She kisses him quickly.)
Leela:P Now, you better hurry up or youll be late.
(She more or less shoves
him out the door.)
Fry:P Umone question: which ways work?
Leela:P The carll drive you there.P I just got the autopilot installed.P Dont forget to leave a little early; we
need to go shopping.P Bye, Fry!P Have a good day!
Fry: Love you t-
(She shuts the door.)
INT of the house
(Leela whips a piece of
paper out of her pocket.)
Leela: (happily) Lets
seeClean up kitchen, vacuum, get hair done and gossip with Amy, vacuum
againanother fulfilling day as a homemaker
Scene: Planet Express.
(The crew sits at the conference
table.P Among them are Zoidberg,
Scruffy, and the blonde woman and robot from A Big Piece of Garbage.P Fry immediately notices two missing people.)
Fry:P Hey, wheres Bender and Amy?
Hermes:P You must be gettin more like da Professor,
mon. PBenders reverted to bein a
kitchen appliance at your place and Amy quit work for da same reason Leela did.
Fry:P Because she had a rich husband?
(The crew laughs.)
Zoidberg:P She left to be a full-time wife, vhy not.
Fry:P Wowthat must be harder than work here.
(Only Zoidberg laughs.)
Zoidberg:P He made a joke!P Very funny!
Hermes:P Now, we got a big delivery to make on Tragic
Kingdom 6, so no mess-ups.P (He hands a
huge stack of paper to Fry.)P As soon as
Fry finishes dis paperwork, you can go.
Fry:P All of it?
Hermes:P You bet.P
And because Tragic Kingdom 6 just reformed der laws, youll hafta do it
all in song lyrics.P Youll be needin
dis.
(He hands Fry a large green
book titled The Big Book of Gwen, Tony, Tom and Adrian.P Fry grimaces.)
Cut to a while later.
(Fry is on the last piece
of paper and he looks about ready to collapse.P
He has huge bags under his eyes and hes squinting at the paper.)
Fry: (reading) How long
have you been with your company?
(He flips through the book
and writes something down.)
Fry: Okay, last
questionhey!P Its multiple choice!
(Reading) Which of the following describes your reaction to having completed
this grueling paperwork? A- Trapped in a box of tremendous size, B- Youre
living your life in total hate, C- Are you happy now?, D- Make-ups all offwho
am I? or E- Feeling hella good (He makes a mark on the page.)P There!P
Finished!
Scene: Interior of Hermes
office
(Fry walks in, carrying the
huge stack of paper.P Hermes sits with
his back to desk, going through various documents in a file cabinet.P Fry sets the stack down on the desk with a
large thud.)
Fry: (exasperated) Thats
all of them
Hermes:P Whats dat, mon?
(He swivels around in his
chair, which hits the desk, causing the stack of paper to go all over the
floor.P Hermes blankly looks at Fry, who
wears a shocked expression.P A beat.)
Fry: (sighing) Ill get to
it
(He gets down on all fours
and begins to gather up the papers.P
Hermes gets out of his chair and heads towards the door.P He stops in front of Fry and tsks before
leaving the room.)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Cut to even later.
(Hermes pokes his head into
his office.P There are a few papers
still on the ground and Fry has his back to Hermes as he crouches down.)
Hermes:P Fry!P
You got a call in de conference room!
(Fry swivels around and
faces Hermes with a piece of paper in his mouth.)
Fry: (muffled) Hm?
Scene: Conference room.
(Leelas on the video phone
as Fry sits at the table.)
Leela: Are things okay
there?P Youre running a few minutes later
than usual, so I just assumed-
Fry:P No, everythings fin- ouch.
(He winces and holds a hand
to his mouth.)
Leela:P Whats wrong?
Fry:P Oh, I just cut my tongue.P (Leela gives him an odd look.) I just
finished several hours worth of paper work, so Ill just leave now.
Leela:P What about sorting through resumes?
Fry:P Eh, it can wait.P Its not like its important or anything.P I mean, you and Bender could carry on a
delivery without me, right?
Leela: (Laughing nervously)
What makes you say that
Scene: The supermarketof
tomorrow (Or yesterday, depending on how you look at it)
(Exterior shot of Wal-Mart
Supercenter with a banner below the logo that says, The only place in the
universe with lipstick and bee-keeping supplies under one roof!. PCut to the interior of the over-sized store
where Leela and Fry stand in an aisle filled with various cereals.P Fry is gaping at the magnitude of it all
while Leela looks over a grocery list.)
Leela:P All right, Fry.P Youll be in charge of getting party decorations and a birthday
present.P Do you think you can handle
that?
(Frys still gaping.P A beat.)
Leela:P Fry?
Fry:P Huh?P
I mean, check.
Leela:P Ill come find you when Im done shopping,
but try not to get lost in the lingerie section again, okay?
Fry: (sly) Why would
I?P After all, youre much better
looking than those mannequins
(He makes a cat noise.)
Leela:P Fry!P
Not so loud.
(She heads off, but smiles
back at him.)
Fry: (wondering out loud)
Hma store with everything in itwhere to start
Scene: The Toy section.
(Fry stands in one of the
aisles holding what looks like a large fluorescent green gun as the camera
shows an ants eye view.)
Fry:P All rightthis is for all the times you
insulted me at workeaterdrink water, scumbags!
(He cocks the gun and the
camera changes angles to show Fry chasing down two eight-year-old boys.P He shoots a constant stream of water and
makes ammunition sounds.P The boys
scream as he chases them down an aisle to a dead end.P They face the wall, their backs to Fry.)
Fry:P Who wants to go first?
(The boys quickly turn
around and aim water guns, which look like those chunky guns from Lilo and
Stitch, at Fry.)
Boys: You!
(They fire mercilessly at
him.P Fry dodges the water and pushes an
over-sized teddy bear off the shelf in the process.P The boys laugh evilly and keep firing.P Fry gasps and somersaults behind the teddy bear.P The kids fire at the teddy bear, leaving
painful craters in its soft *flesh*.P
After several moments of non-stop fire, the water in the guns runs
out.P The boys gasp and check their
guns.P Fry peeks his eyes over the
bears head and sticks his gun between the bears ears, aiming right for the
kids.)
Fry:P You fought a hard battle, but theres one
thing you forgot: Size matters.
(He cocks the gun as the
boys wince in anticipation of the blast.P
However, nothing happens.)
Employee: Ahem.
(Fry turns around and comes
face to face with a tall Wal-Mart employee who looks like he used to be a drill
sergeant, right down to the stance and black shades.)
Fry: (chuckling nervously)
Justuhtrying the equipment outheh heh
(The man grabs Fry by the
collar and lifts him off the ground.)
Employee:P No one messes around in my department, got
that?
(Fry nods hastily.P The man more or less throws him down on the
ground.)
Employee:P Youre just lucky I filled my push up quota
with those two girls opening the Barbies.
(Fry sheepishly walks
away.P Behind his back the kids make
faces at him.P He whirls around and aims
the gun.P They shirk away in fear.P The man turns around to face Fry and grits
his teeth.P Fry then high-tails it out
of there as fast as his legs can carry him.)
Scene:P The entertainment department.
(Frys walking down an
aisle filled with DVDs.)
Fry:P Wow.P
They have every movie from the original Casablanca to the J. Lo and
Ben Affleck Casablanca!P But what
would an eight-year-old boy want?P Hmit
should have lots of blood and a blonde in it.P
That narrows it down to six million.
(He picks up a copies of
Legally Blonde 4: L.A. Eyelash-curler Massacre and Serial Mom.P Leela walks up to him, lugging a very full
basket of various items.)
Leela:P Any luck finding a present?
(Fry throws the DVDs into
the basket.)
Fry:P Thatll do. (Something catches his eye and
he grabs another movie off the shelf.)P
Wow!P I havent seen this in a
thousand years!
(He is about to toss it in,
but he notices a large white box non-descript box at the bottom of the basket.)
Fry:P Whats that?
Leela: (Matter-of-factly)
The cake.
Fry: PThe cake?P
The cake-cake?
Leela:P Of course.P
Im running behind schedule.P
Usually I have one bought and frozen by January.
Fry:P Why not just make one?
Leela:P I would, but Bender charges too much.
(Fry looks confused.)
Scene:P The kitchen back home.
(Leela and Fry enter,
carrying brown bags of groceries, just as Jessie and Ty come running through
the door.)
Jessie:P Mommy, want to see the fort me and Tyler
built outside?
Leela:P Of course. Fry, can you put away the
groceries?
Fry:P Sure.
(Jessie drags Leela out the
door and Ty follows them, a bored look on his face.P Fry pulls out a bag of grapefruit, baring the sticker
Genetically Altered on Earth.)
Fry:P Hmgrapefruit goes
(From seemingly out of
nowhere comes a familiar voice.)
Bender: PIn the fridge, skintube.
(Fry looks around for his
friend.P Bender taps him on the back and
Fry turns around to face him where he stands beside the fridge.)
Fry:P Bender, what are you doing here?
Bender:P I live here, remember?P Or did Eyeball brainwash you?
Fry:P But why do you live here?P And why are you just standing inanimate by
the fridge?
Bender:P Well, I dont want you to spread this
around, but I have a phobia of living alone and I got bored cooking for people
who dont appreciate the finer things.
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Fry:P The finer things?P Bender, Leelas a boring, celibate housewife and up until
recently, I was a delivery boyI think.
Bender:P I didnt mean you, meatbag.P I meant those brats you call kids.P Ty doesnt give a rats ass about anything
and Jessies eaten so much dirt, her taste buds have been eroded.P Theyre the perfect people to eat my
food.P Only they can understand the
beauty and taste of the delicacies I make.
Fry:P But you just saidnever mind.P So whats for dinner tonight?
Bender:P Eh, depends on whose cat Tys looking after
this weekend.
Scene: The living room,
later that evening.
(The living room is good
size, with a very plain brown couch, a mahogany coffee table and a
regular-sized TV.P There is a fireplace
and a bookshelf in the background.P
Leela reads a retro-looking Cosmopolitan and sits next to Fry on the
couch.P Jessie pets Nibbler on the floor
next to Ty who is lying on his stomach, watching a space-western *cough* Firefly.P Fry reads the TV Guide.)
Fry:P Oohthe top 10 shows ever! (He reads for a
moment.) What?!P Seinfeld beat out
Ripleys Believe It or Not?!P This is
the worst case of injustice Ive ever heard ofNext theyll be telling me Twin
Peaks is better than Charlies Angels.
Leela: (standing up) That
reminds mewho wants dessert?
Jessie and Ty:P Me!
Leela:P Do you want any, Fry?
Fry: (sly) Dessert and
coffee
Leela: (Not getting it)
Thats a good idea
(She exits the living room
and heads into the kitchen.P Bender
stands by the fridge, glancing at a Rolexxx on his right wrist and tapping his
foot.)
Leela:P Is the pie almost done?
SFX: A ding.
Bender: It is now.
(He opens his chest cavity
and pulls out a pie with plenty of steam rising from it.P Leela puts on an oven mitt and takes the
pie.P She then proceeds to cut it.)
Bender:P Thatll be the usual fee.
Leela:P Just wait til the end of the month, as
usual.
Bender:P Anything else?P I could use some overtime
Leela:P Nope, thats it.
Bender:P Then Im off to theuhgentlebots club.
Leela:P Dont come in too late.
Bender: (mocking) Yes, Mom.
(He exits out the side
door.P Leela frowns, but turns her
attention to the coffee machine.)
Scene: A moment later in
the living room.
(Leela manages to slip
through the kitchen door, despite the fact that shes balancing several plates
and two cups of coffee.P She sets them
down on the coffee table.)
Leela:P Okay, cherry pie, hot off the robot!
(She hands Jessie and Ty
their pieces before giving Fry his pie and coffee.)
Fry:P This wasnt quite what I had in mindbut oh
well.
(Leela sits on the edge of
the couch and feeds a piece to Nibbler, who gobbles it up at lightening
speed.P Fry pokes at his piece before
taking a bite.)
Fry:P Youre sure Bender made this?
Leela:P Yup.P
He charged me six dollars too.
(Just then, the lights
begin to flicker.P The TV goes out and
after a moment, so do the lights.)
Jessie:P Mommy, Im scared!
Leela:P Ill just go get some candles.P Ill be back in a minute.
Fry:P Why does this remind me of another What If?
(Leela lights a candle,
dissipating part of the darkness.P
Jessie and Nibbler jump onto the couch.P
Jessie cuddles up next to Fry.P
Leela continues lighting several candles.)
Leela:P That should do it.
(From her spot next to Fry,
Jessie yawns.P Ty frowns.)
Ty:P Look what you did now
Jessie:P What?
(Leela glances down at her
wristamathingy.)
Leela:P Its getting late, you two.P I want you to run right up to bed.
Jessie:P But Mommy, Im not-
(She promptly falls
asleep.P Leela smiles and stands up.)
Leela:P Ty, I think its time you went to sleep too.
Ty:P Im not tired at all though.
Leela:P Weve got that beach trip tomorrow and I
want you to be well-rested.P Im not
going to ask you again.
Ty:P Aw, geez.
Leela:P We dont use language like that in this
house.
(Ty leaves the room,
frowning.P Leela picks up Jessie from
the couch.)
Leela:P Fry, can you bring a candle upstairs?P Otherwise, we wont be able to see.
Fry:P Uh huh. (He picks up a candle and follows
her.) Uhstrange question: Do you always wear dresses like that?
Scene: The upstairs hall.
(Leela and Fry stand
outside their bedroom.)
Fry: Well, looks like its
time to turn in
Leela:P Mm hm. (She yawns.) Im so tired
(She opens the door and
walks in.P Fry follows and feels around
for the bedside table.P Once he finds
it, he places the candle down.P Leela
lights two other candles, which brightens the room.P The camera focuses on Frys face as he blinks several times, his
mouth wide open.)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Fry:P There must be some mistake
(The camera then pulls back
to reveal there are two separate twin size beds with one table between them.)
Leela:P Youre right.P I wonder why the power company hasnt done something about the
black out yet.
Fry:P B-b-but the beds!
Leela:P Oh, I know.P
Theyre so old.P Good thing were
going shopping for new ones soon.
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
(She heads into the
*walk-in closet* connected to the room.P
Think Karens closet in Will & Grace.P Fry lies down on his bed and stares up at the ceiling.)
Fry:P Maybe if I tell myself this isnt accurate,
itll all go away
(He begins murmuring This
isnt accurate under his breath.P Leela
re-enters wearing a moreconservative version of the little pink number in
Parasites Lost.)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Leela:P You know, you really should get some
sleep.P Youve been acting so strange
today. (She kisses him quickly.) Gnight.
(She climbs into her bed
and blows out the candle closest to her.P
Fry just lies on his bed, dumbfounded by it all.)
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Scene: Outside in the drive
way the next morning.
(Close up of the thermometer
to the left of the garage door.P It
reveals the temperature to be 42 degrees.P
The camera then switches to Fry and Ty lifting the cooler into the trunk
of the car, which FYI, is blue and looks a bit like Amys car in Put Your Head
on My Shoulder. PThey shiver in their
swimming trunks, short-sleeve shirts and sandals.P Fry slams the trunk closed and rubs his arms as he shivers.)
Fry:P Why does she
Both:P Have us go to the beach when its still
winter?
(They look at one another
oddly.P Leela and Jessie come out the
front door and warmly smile at the boys.P
Jessie wears pastel sandals, a pink sundress and a light jacket.P Leela, on the other hand, wears a white with
black polka dots sleeveless dress reaching past her knees with a v-neck (Curse
me and my insidious descriptions of fashion. :P).P Fry definitely takes notice of this.)
Leela:P Well, are we ready to go?
Fry:P Dont you think its a little cold?
Leela:P Of course not.P Its almost 43 degrees!P I
could boil water in this weather.P Besides,
the beach were going to has 90 degree weather all year round.
Fry:P You mean
Leela:P Yes!P
New New Yorks imitation island of Hawaii!
Jessie and Ty:P Yay!
Fry:P Why would the east coast need an imitation
Hawaii when theres Florida?
Leela:P Well, Florida seceded from the United States
in 2064, after their sixtieth consecutive recount that year.P Seceded may be the wrong wordkicked out is
actually more accurate.P After that,
they refused to let anyone younger than seventy-five in.
Fry:P Like Dennys!
Scene: A New New York
bridge.
(An aerial shot of our
favorite What If family driving onto a long, long silver bridge.PP At the NNY entrance of the bridge, rain
pours heavily down.P As the car drives
(Hovers?P Flies?) the rain gradual
lessens and the sun appears, until they come off the bridge and find themselves
in the bright sunlight of a man-made island covered in lovely white (imitation)
Hawaii sand.P An oblong, trapezoid-like
parking lot greets them.P Its nearly
full, so they have to pull up along the back of the lot, which meansparallel
parking.)
Fry:P Parallel parking?P No!P Its like Drivers Ed
all over again
Leela:P Relax.P
Its on autopilot.
(The car gracefully
shimmies up to the edge and almost too perfectly comes to a stop.P Jessie and Ty jump out of the car and
immediately begin running across the blacktop towards the water.)
Leela:P Tyler, make sure Jessie doesnt talk to
strangers.P And Jessie, keep an eye on
your brother!
(Cut to Fry dragging four
folding chairs through the sand to where Leela sits, watching Ty and Jessie, a
small straw shoulder bag at her side.P
An umbrella and the cooler have already been set up.P Fry sweats under the heavy load and the
heat.P After struggling for a while, he
manages to bring them about ten feet away from Leela.P She stands up and looks at him strangely.)
Leela:P Fry, what are you doing?
Fry: (panting) Iwas
Leela:P Here.
(She pulls a remote control
from seemingly out of nowhere and presses a large red button on it.P Immediately, the chairs jump away from Fry
and sprout robotic legs.P They then walk
over to where Leela stands and promptly fold out.P Frys mouth hangs wide open.P
Leela smiles a satisfied smile.P
She turns to Fry, her back facing him.)
Leela:P Would you mind unzipping the dress?
Fry:P Wharight here?
Leela: No, on the moonYes,
here.
(She lifts her ponytail up
so he can unzip her dress, which he does while salivating.P The camera focuses on her feet, which are
decked out in purple high-heeled Gellies, as the dress falls to the
ground.P It then zooms out to show shes
wearing a pink swimsuit underneath.P
Its a quite conservative one-piece with lots of pink and yellow plaid
trimming.P Of course, its got the Leela
trademark: an oval hole in the midriff so her navel is still visible.)
Leela:P Thanks.P
Thats much better
(She picks up her dress
from the ground.P Fry has a disappointed
look on his face.)
Leela: (calling) Jessie,
Tyler, come here and put some sun block on!
(She sits down on the chair
nearest the umbrella and takes a bottle of sun block out of her bag.P From her seat, we finally get a good glimpse
of the beach.P The sand is a vanilla
color and stretches as far as the eye can see.P
In the background, a long line of tall palm trees sway in the
breeze.P The water is a deep turquoise
color and laps gently against the sand.P
Jessie and Ty come running in and stand expectantly by their
mother.P Leela squirts a large goop of
sun block into Tys hand and he begins slathering his skin with the stuff.P She then begins rubbing sun block into
Jessies shoulders.)
Ty:P Dad, can you rub some on my nose?P Mom always says I never get enough on.
(Fry hesitates but moves
forward and begins covering Tys nose with the sun block.P Leela looks on and smiles.)
Jessie:P Are you done yet, Mommy?
Leela:P Okay, go play.
(Jessie and Ty run off
happily for the water once more.P Fry is
smiling now too.P He sits down at the
edge of the chair next to Leela.P She
holds the bottle out to him.)
Leela:P Do me?
(Frys face goes red.)
Fry:P When you say that, you mean-
Leela:P Get my back for me, please.
(He nods and takes the sun
block and begins rubbing it into her back.P
He has a dreamy look on his face as he does so.P After a few moments, Fry halts, debating his
next move.P He slowly and nervously
wraps his arms around her waist.P Leela
smiles and scoots closer to him.P He
moves in to give her a big smooch.)
Leela: (shielding her eye
from the sun) Hey, that looks like Amy and Kif.
(About ten yards away, we
can plainly see Kif and Amy approaching.P
Amy wears her pink bikini and leads, while Kif lags behind holding on to
a picnic basket and umbrella.P Amy
waves.P As Leela jumps up to greet them,
Fry groans before following her.)
Leela:P Fancy meeting you here.
Amy:P Well, Kif had the day off, so I suggested a
nice trip to the beach.
Leela: (to Kif) Zapp
actually gave you a day off?
Kif:P According to a new DOOP policy, lackeys are
required to take at least two weeks off. (Sighs) Of course, in Zapps language,
that means one day.
Leela:P Fry, why dont you help Kif set up?
Fry:P Uh, sure. (To Kif) Do you have any chairs?
Kif:P In the trunk.
(Kif sets the basket and
umbrella down before he and Fry head off to the car.)
Amy:P Its so nice here.P You really get the feeling of being isolated from all the
unnecessary things in the city
(Amys butler walks up to
her, carrying a tray of drinks.)
Butler:P You must be parched, Ms. Kroeker.P A drink?
Amy:P A margarita would be nice.
(He hands her a drink and
turns to Leela.)
Butler:P And for you?
Leela:P Oh, no.P
Im fine.
Amy:P Cmon, Leela.P Loosen up a bit.
Leela:P Well
Butler:P Perhaps a daiquiri?
Leela:P Sure.P
Thanks.
(He hands her a red drink.)
Butler:P Ill be here whenever you need me, Ms.
Kroeker.
(He takes three steps back
and stands silently stone-faced.P Leela
eyes him oddly.)
Amy:P So, how have things been since yesterday?
Leela: (quickly) Just the
same old
(Amy gives her a Oh,
really? look.)
Amy:P You sure?
Leela: (hesitant) Well,
Frys been acting so strange latelyYesterday, he started crying at
breakfast.P I didnt bring it up because
I didnt think it was that big of a deal, but then last night, he was freaking
out and mumbling to himself.
Amy:P Maybe something at work.
Leela:P No, I dont think so.P He just got promoted.
Amy:P Jessie or Ty hasnt done anything, right?
Leela:P Nothing out of the ordinary.
Amy:P And theres no trouble in thebedroom.
Leela:P No!P
Of course not.P Thats
ridiculous.
Amy: (nodding curtly) Okay.
(A beat.)
Leela:P What are you talking about?
Amy:P Uh, Leela?P
I didnt say anything.
Leela: (distracted)
What?P Oh, sorry.P There must be some way to make him feel
better. But what could he possibly want and/or need?
Quickly cuts to their home
(In the kitchen, Fry stands
in his suit, ranting to Bender who smokes a cigar.)
Fry: (waving his hands
manically) Im going crazy! I mean, Ive got Leela and thats great, but I
cant touch her!P Its like in that
movie with the cheerleader and that guy with arms like a Swiss army knife and
even though she dumps her jock boyfriend, the guy cant lay a hand on her or
hell chop her to bits.P Thats exactly
the way things are with Leela, if you take out the ex-boyfriend, cheerleader
aspect and sharp arms!
Bender:P Quit complaining, meat bag.P I dont want to sound mushy or nothin, but
why not focus on the good things, like gourmet meals by yours truly for above
market value?P Or those little brats Leela
calls kids?
Fry: Yeah, I guess those
things are nice.
Bender:P Of course, the best way of looking at it is
that you make all the neighbors jealous.
Fry:P Even Herman Munster?
Bender:P Especially Herman Munster!P You got a wife all the other guys on the
street are drooling over, not to mention a fabulous bending robot who happened
to get a kitchen appliance update AND is a hit with the ladies.
Fry:P Hey, youre right.P Thanks, Bender.
Bender:P No problem. (holding out his hand) Thatll
be six bucks counseling fee.
(Leela enters, wearing a
not so poofy yellow dress and carrying a long black and white checkered coat.)
Leela:P Ready to go shopping, Fry?
Fry:P UhIm not on good terms with the security
guards at Wal-Mart.P I dont think I can
go.
Leela:P Oh, not Wal-Mart.P Amy and I already went.P
They dont have quite the bed selection Im looking for.
Fry:P Did you just say we were going bed shopping?
Leela:P Yeah.P
Why?
(Fry grabs her by the hand
and yanks her out the door.)
Fry:P Ive just been really eager touhspend some
quality shopping time with you.
Leela:P Aw.P How
unusual of you.
Scene:P Hertzels Discount Beds
(An exterior shot reveals a
deteriorating building once painted pink, but has faded quite a bit.P In one of the windows hangs a sign reading,
Free Anti-Chinches Spray with every sale!P
The camera then switches to the interior, which is filled with plenty of
those miss-matched sets we hear about during local news shows.P The walls are a dreary off-white color.P Victor shows Leela and Fry a very plain gray
bed.)
Victor:P This is one of our more popular models and
was recently featured in a Madonna video.
Fry:P How well does it bounce?
Victor:P Considering the amount of bouncing Victor
imagines youll be doing, its perfect.
Fry:P Cool!P
Let me just try it out…
(He backs up, runs toward
the bed and jumps.P He lands with a
sickening thud and the sound of cracking bones can be distinctly heard.P The mattress stays stone still.)
Fry: (weakly) Ow.
(Victor takes Leelas
hand.)
Victor:P Of course, for an advantageous woman such as
yourself, this bed is not nearly swayable enough.
(He kisses her hand.P Leela blushes.)
Leela:P Ohum, thank you, I think.
(Fry frowns as he rubs his
posterior.)
Victor:P Let Victor just show you the newest model.
(He leads Leela over to a
large waterbed.P In the mattress
several angelfish swim by some kelp at the bottom.)
Leela:P Wowisnt that lovely, Fry?
Fry: (now standing) Not
really.P If I want to see fish swimming
around, Ill just watch Romeo and Juliet.
Leela: (to Victor) How do
you feed the fish?
Victor: (raising an
eyebrow) Uhfeed?
Fry:P And how bouncy is this one?
Victor:P Oh, Victor does not think you are ready for
this bed.P It is too bouncy for little
boys.
(Fry glares at him, but
hops onto the bed and lies down.)
Fry:P Leela, youve got to try this!
Leela:P Oh, I dont know.P Im sure its a few dollars over our-
(Fry pulls her onto the bed
and she immediately relaxes with a sleepily smug smile on her face.)
Leela:P Well take one.
Scene: Leela and Frys
bedroom.
(Our two heroes stand in
front of the large waterbed, which is now decked out in blue Hawaii honeymoon
print sheets.)
Leela:P It looks so inviting.P Might as well try it out, seeing as the kids
are gone for the afternoon.
(She flops down on the bed,
her face turned from him.)
Fry: PThank god!P
I thought youd never ask!
Leela: Ask what?
(She turns her head and
sees Fry ripping off his clothes like a groom on his wedding night.)
Leela:P Fry, what are you doing?
Fry:P You said-
Leela:P I said I was going to try it out, meaning Im
taking a nap.
(Fry looks disappointed.)
Fry:P What about later?
Leela:P Well
Fry: Please?
Leela:P Valentines Day IS this week, and Ive been
looking for an excuse to make a special dinner.
Fry:P And Ive been trying to find a good reason
for buying candy!P Its perfect.
Leela:P Valentines Day it is, then.
Scene:P V-day at Planet Express.
(Everyone is seated around
the conference table as Hermes starts off the day with the usual speech.)
Hermes:P As you all know, today is Valentines Day
and usually, we have plenty of deliveries to make. (A beat.) However, with
Moms Friendly Delivery Company campaigning for two packages for the price of
one, we have very little business.P Due
to that, and me own plans, everyone will be allowed to leave earlyexcept Fry.
(Everyone, save for Fry,
cheers.)
Fry:P What?
Hermes:P The Professor needs you to pick a new
delivery boy from the heap o applicants the Fate Assignment Office has sent
our way.
Fry:P But I have plans tonight!P Dinner and chocolate and everything!
Hermes:P Tough luck, mon.P Leelall understand.
Fry: Butbut
(He sighs and sits back,
defeated.)
Cut to that evening.
(Fry sits alone at the
table, flipping through a pile of paper.P
He slips a piece into a slot on the side of the table.P A hologram of a young woman with blonde hair
appears, hovering in the air.)
Hologram: (friendly) Oh,
hi!P Im Tracy Flick and I would be a
great delivery bo- girl for Planet Express!P
First, Im able to communicate to a variety of people, from the rich
people who can afford to wipe their ass with silk, to those really, really poor
people who live in garbage cans.P A
person could be really smart like Stephen Hawking or as dumb as Gail Berman and
I could still talk to the-
(Fry yanks the resume
out.P The hologram flickers and fades.)
Fry: (deadpan) Seen it.
(He selects another resume
from the pile and slides it into the slot.P
A skinny guy with brown hair and glasses meekly appears in hologram
form.)
Hologram: (slowly)
Uhhello.P ImuhJames Kohn and Imuhapplying
as a delivery boy foruhPlanet Express.
Fry: (deadpan)
Youreuhnot what were looking for.
(He yanks out the paper and
places a randomly chosen slip in the slot.P
A girl with black, purple-streaked hair appears, wearing an assortment
of ripped black clothes.)
Hologram:P Even though I think doing something other
than expressing yourself creatively is lame and evil, Im applying for this
stupid job because I dont want to end up starving on the streets or accepting
handouts.
Fry:P Ughthis is gonna take all night
(He lets his head fall to
the table and groans softly.)
Scene: Leela and Frys
house
(Late at night, Fry walks
in, an absolute wreck and about to konk out.P
The house is pitch black. His movements are quite sluggish as he walks into
the living room where we can see the light of the fireplace on his face.)
Leela: (sleepily) Fry?
(Fry squints and the camera
focuses on what his blurred vision: Leela decked out in a red corset and red
vinyl boots.P He rubs his eyes and his
eyes focus.P Leelas not wearing quite
that standard of sensually-appealing attire, but she is wearing a satin red
bra-top and mini-skirt set, along with fluffy red high heels.P She sits in front of the fire on one of
those round fluffy rugs, a book clasped in one hand.)
Leela:P There you are.P I was starting to get worried.P
I thought I might take you your dinner, but then I got images of you
making out with Nicholas Joy and- (noticing his tired demeanor) are you
alright?
Fry: (mumbling) So tired
Leela:P Aw, you poor thing.P You need to sleep.
(She places his arm around
her shoulder and helps him up the stairs.P
Once in their bedroom, Leela turns on the lamp and pulls back the covers
on the bed.P Fry carelessly takes off
his suit and climbs into bed.)
Leela: PI know youre really sleepy, but do I still
leave you-
(She is interrupted by
Frys loud snoring.P She smirks, kisses
him on the forehead and turns out the light.)
Scene: The kitchen.
(It looks about late
morning as Fry stands in the kitchen, being consoled by Bender.)
Fry:P It would just figure that Id fall asleep.
Bender:P Dont blame yourself.P Leela shouldve at least hit you on the head
to see if youd wake up.
Fry:P You think?
Bender:P Sure.P
Whatever.
(Leela walks in, wearing a
white and pink slimming dress and carrying a paper bag.)
Leela:P There was a big sale on toilet paper, so I
thought I should take advantage of it.P
Do you think a hundred rolls is excessive?
Fry: (shrugs) I dont know
how to shop, so I have no clue.P UmIm
sorry I fell asleep.P I know you had
everything planned and all
Leela:P Its okay, Fry.P The kids actually had seconds, so there wasnt any food for you
anyway.
Fry:P Oh, that makes me feel betterI think.
(After a moment, Leela
frowns.)
Leela:P Is anything bothering you?
Fry:P Uh
Leela:P Cos- dont take this the wrong way- youve
been acting really strange lately.
Fry:P You dont say.
Leela:P Well, I wasnt sure if it was something I
did or something at work or-
Fry:P Now that you mention it, things in general
havent been great.
Leela:P Name something.
Fry: (his voice
substantially being raised with every word) Well, for startersI hate my
job.P I mean, being a delivery boy was
degrading, but now, all I do is sit around doing paperwork and looking through
idiot applica-
Bender:P Uh oh.P
Sounds like a potential argument.P
No offense, Fry, but Ive seen how these end, and theres only so many
times watching my best buddy come crawling back with flowers can be amusing.
(He slinks out the
door.P Leela crosses her arms and looks
intently at Fry.)
Leela:P What else?
Fry:P The kids never seem to get tired of asking
me to help them with their homework or read a story or make a soap-box racer
and its getting really old really fast.P
I mean, I work at some crappy job all day and then I come home to relax
and there they are, shoving some project in my face.P Its not that I dont like them, but why cant they be like
normal kids who hate their parents?
Leela:P Fry, youre being unreasonable.P And keep your voice down.P I dont want the neighbors to hear.
Fry:P The neighbors!P Thats another thing.P How
many times a week do they have to invite us over for a barbeque?
Leela:P No ones invited us over, Fry.P That was on the rerun of Father Knows Best
you watched yesterday morning.
Fry:P You just watch.P Someday, when we least expect it, theyll invite us over and
itll be all fun and games until they want us to have the barbeque here.P And another thingwhy is there a laugh track
constantly playing?
Leela: PEverything youve just listed is off
TVLand.P This is real life.
(Sounds of fake laughs can
be heard.)
Fry:P See!
(Leela rolls her eye.)P
Leela:P Whats really bothering you?
Fry: (sighs) I dont know
how to tell you thisbut, whenever I imagined us married, I always thought wed
be moretouchy than this.
Leela:P Oh. (A beat.) Thats whats been bothering
you?
Fry:P Pretty much.
Leela:P Thats all?
Fry:P Yup.
Leela:P Why didnt you say so?P You just need to say the word and Im yours.
(Frys mouth is gaping
open.P After a few moments, he shuts
it.)
Fry:P Does that meanwe couldright now?
Leela:P You dont think theyll care at work?
(He grabs her and gives her
a real kiss.)
Fry:P Who now?
(They make out for a few
moments before a loud siren goes off and red lights flash.)
Loud Ominous Voice:P As this 60s sitcom parody does not uphold
the squeaky-clean ideals of 60s television, this What If installment will be
terminated.
Fry:P What network would have silly standards like
that?
Leela: (sighs) The kind
that doesnt have standards.
FOX announcer:P We now bring you three episodes of
Temptation Island.
(As we slowly fade to the
FOX logo, the usual AoI narrator makes the usual statement.)
Narrator:P That was pretty un-interesting!P Lets hope the next installment really is
a(loud) Tale of Interest!
***
Ohwasnt that fun?
*_*P It was definitely interesting
writing it.P It was kind of nice to
write something that could work as a stand-alone.P Anyway, when I can, Ill write the next installment, in which
Leela asks, What if I went to live with my parents?P Its yet untitled, but there will be some nice Shakespeare
parallels, so if anyone knows of a good William-related title, your input would
be much appreciated!P Until next time,
yvan eht nioj! ^_^